Control
by KnittedSweater
Summary: "He didn't care if he cried, if he broke down, or if his flames burnt the classroom. He just wanted them to shut up." This one has a bit more mild language than my first fic, for those who aren't a fan of it.
1. Chapter 1

**Here's another Blue Exorcist fic! Another angsty Rin, since I can't write happy things.**

**I feel really bad for writing Suguro as the antagonist in this fic since he's one of my favorite characters...**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ao No Exorcist/Blue Exorcist.**

* * *

**Control**

It took everything in his willpower not to cry.

_Don't you dare shed a tear, Rin Okumura, don't you fucking dare._

Instead, he squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his fists.

"Do you even understand the loss that we had? The toll our temple paid? We lost so many that night… so many! What could you possibly understand about loss, huh, you damn brat?"

Rin shook as memories of Father Fujimoto played behind his eyelids. When Satan possessed him, when he said he was going to get his son back…

Right.

The _son _that had betrayed him and told him _never_ to act like his father again.

_Don't cry. Don't yell. Don't. Do. Anything._

Suguro was angry, and Rin didn't know why. Was it just because he was there? Probably. Did it have something to do with him being Satan's son? Of course, it always did.

Once again, he remained quiet, taking the verbal abuse. This had happened many times before since the camping trip, and this is how he handled it. He handled it quietly and without complaint. He deserved it. He deserved it for getting out of hand and almost burning up a forest, and putting his loved ones at risk.

But for Suguro to say that he didn't understand loss… now that was just utter _bullshit_. He'd lost a lot. And those losses piled up onto his shoulders and weighed him down. Especially… the old man's death.

But Suguro didn't know that. Suguro didn't know that he'd killed the only father figure he'd ever had. He didn't know what kind of pain Rin was going through, and he intended to keep it that way.

He kept on yelling at him, telling him that he would never feel remorse because he was a _demon_. He would never know how he felt. He would never, ever, _ever_, know the pain those flames had caused him. And he told it to him, straight on, mentally devastating Rin with images of his dad's bloody face, the way Satan loomed over him, the grimy creatures pouring out of the Gehenna gate-

"Rin, you're crying!"

Shiemi's voice slapped him back into reality. His eyes shot open, and he felt a warm stream falling down his cheeks and into his mouth, tasting the salt that could only mean one thing.

_Tears_.

But he didn't care anymore. He didn't care if he cried, if he broke down, or if his flames burnt the classroom. He just wanted them to _shut up_.

"Shut up, shut up, shut _up! _You don't know a damn thing about me, Suguro! You don't know the pain I've felt, the burden I've had to carry. You think it's easy, being Satan's spawn? You think it's easy, knowing that everyone around you hates your guts? Do you live in fear of burning up those you love? Do you live in fear of hurting the very people you want to protect? _HELL NO! _I've already messed up once, and I don't want to do it again!"

Everybody stood in a shocked silence as Rin trembled, staring Suguro down as tears poured from his eyes.

"I _killed _someone, dammit! I killed my _dad! _The dad that took care of me for fifteen years! Do you think that's something easy to shake off? Do you think it's easy, being responsible for your dad's death? It's not! And being hated doesn't help! No one comforts you, because you're a threat. No one tells you that it's okay, because you're the reason they're _dead! _Do you know how that feels, Suguro? I'll tell you. It feels like _shit. _I feel like _shit. _I have to walk around knowing that I could be the reason any of you die in the next two seconds. _You're _not going to be executed if you don't pass the exorcist test. _You're _not constantly being put down. _You don't know shit about me! You don't know a damn thing about how I feel! So don't you fucking dare get all angry and tell me that I've never experienced a crushing loss, because I have, and I WAS THE REASON!_"

With a waterfall of tears cascading down his face, he punched the wall angrily, grabbed his things, and stomped out of the room. He knew it was wrong, but it felt _good_. It felt good to finally cry it out, to finally yell at someone other than the sky when he was alone on the roof. It felt good to just _let go_ and lose all control.

And soon, the tears were joined with a multitude of sobs as Yukio comforted him in the confines of their dorm. Wiping away his tears and _being_ there for Rin, as Rin had done for him so many times before.


	2. Apologies

**Sorry! This chapter is really late, I know, I know. I could make so many excuses, but really, I was just lazy and I didn't know if I could write a second chapter that would be as good as the first! I have really low self confidence, and I was reluctant to write the second chapter until today, since I'm going to the beach tomorrow, and then starting Sunday, I have band camp. **

**If there are any spelling errors, grammatical mistakes, etc. etc., please tell me! I don't want any of those getting in your way of reading!**

**Enjoy! 3**

* * *

They weren't supposed to know.

They weren't supposed to know that he'd killed his dad. They weren't supposed to see him cry. They weren't supposed to hear him scream so angrily. They weren't – they weren't sup –

_But they did._

He'd failed at keeping his composure. Keeping his face set, his attention elsewhere, and being strong. He'd failed at all of that.

But it wasn't his fault. _They_ were the bullies. _They _called him a demon, a monster, a _mistake_. He didn't need them. All he needed was solitude – at least, from _them._

So he stayed home the next day. He just sat on the roof of the dorm, wallowing in his thoughts. He watched students walk across campus and hid from Yukio when he came to check up on him. Yukio didn't worry, though. He knew where he was and that he needed some space after yesterday's events, and he was grateful for that.

* * *

Shiemi cried.

To think that Shirou Fujimoto – the one who introduced her to Yukio and was always so nice to her – was dead tugged at her heartstrings, but what killed her most was how she'd turned a blind eye to Rin.

How could she not notice? She always thought that he was strong inside and out, but by what she'd witnessed… his goofy, tough guy act had expired. Apparently, she hadn't looked deep enough. She knew that she should've talked to him after the camping trip, but she thought that he was fine with Shura and Yukio. She never thought that he'd still be _lonely_. She never noticed the hurt, the pleading, the _longing_ that was hidden in those eyes.

What a lousy friend she was.

* * *

Izumo knew that he was going to explode.

It was evident that the words were eating him more than they had any other day. He trembled, he tensed, and, the most obvious of all, he _cried_.

She _knew _he was going to snap. She _knew _that one day, those words would bring him to the verge of tears. But she _didn't know _that what was killing him inside, what was stabbing his very soul, was _murder_.

She could feel the guilt pouring through his voice, the hurt, the shame, the _self-loathing_.

_He _of all people didn't deserve to feel that way. He was strong, caring, and admired by his will to carry on – by her, at least. She admired how even though everyone was against him, everyone was ignoring him, he managed to pull through. It wasn't _love _or a _crush_ or anything like that. She just found herself striving to have that emotional strength. He knew how it felt to be useless, and when she cried her heart out, he helped her. He reached out to her, even though she came off as bitchy and barely acknowledged him. He was a good natured kid.

What did he do to deserve this kind of treatment?

* * *

Shima felt like he could see things for the first time.

His almost carefree life had gone down the drain. Here was something that _mattered_. Here was a friend who was so troubled and ashamed that he took whatever was thrown at him.

How could he not see that?

Rin's words were like a slap to the face, bringing him to face the truth of the matter. _He _was a part of the cause that led Rin to cry, to scream, to _blame himself_.

And fuck, he felt guilty.

He knew Rin wasn't a bad guy, but he didn't talk to him because Bon was so angry at him.

God, he was an idiot.

He should've just talked to him. He should've done a lot of things to make Rin feel better, but Bon's anger prevented him. He didn't know that things were _that _bad for Rin, though.

He didn't deserve to call himself Rin's friend.

* * *

Konekomaru wanted to cry.

He didn't, because he knew Rin had much worse things to cry over. He'd let himself get shoved into a world of hate for Rin because of something he couldn't control. It wasn't like he'd _asked_ to be Satan's son. It wasn't like he'd _asked_ to burn those blue flames.

He could never feel the pain that Rin felt. Sure, he'd lost his parents, but to be _hated_, _scorned_, _neglected_, and most of all, _abused _over something you couldn't do anything about?

It must be a living hell.

Walking each day, knowing that it'll never get better, no matter what you do…

_That _was something to cry over.

* * *

Suguro didn't know _what _to feel.

He'd bullied this poor kid for over two months now.

It seemed like _he_ was the demon.

To be blinded by his hatred for Satan was just – disgusting. Rin and Satan were two totally different people. Besides the blue flames, it wasn't like Rin was going to blow up any temples or kill anyone. He just wasn't the type to _do _that.

Suguro couldn't fathom the hurt he'd put Rin through.

And all this time… Rin was dying inside.

How could he ever ignore Rin's feelings? How could he ever want to hurt anyone so badly? How could he ignore the fact that Rin was raised as a _human?_

He wasn't raised as a demon, or a weapon. He was raised as a _human_. Just like the rest of them. He'd been taught to love, care, and feel things that demons wouldn't give a rat's ass about. He'd always tried to do good, even when he got into fights, they were for the right reason.

If he could pinpoint any emotion that could describe how he felt, it probably would be guilt. Guilt for every bad thing he said, to Rin's face or not. Guilt for not noticing earlier. He also felt stupid. So stupid. Stupid for being a shitty person.

* * *

Suguro walked up the stairs to the roof. Yukio hadn't taken long to tell him where Rin was.

He dreaded apologizing for anything, and tried to avoid it as much as he could, but this needed to be done.

Praying that the door would open quietly, he turned the handle. Barely screeching, he cracked open the door just wide enough for him to squeeze through. Closing the door, he slowly turned around.

Rin was sitting cross-legged in the middle of a circle of candles. His eyes were closed in concentration, and his hands were pressed together in a sort of prayer stance. He took deep breaths in and out of his nose. With each inhale, the controlled flames shot about four inches up in perfect unison. With each exhale, the flames simmered back down, returning to a normal burn.

Suguro dared to take a step forward. As his right heel touched the concrete, Rin's eyes shot open, and the flames extinguished themselves. Looking up, he saw Suguro's face, and his eyes filled with fear.

"Sugu – "

"I'm sorry."

Rin's eyes widened at Suguro's interjection. He slowly looked down at his hands, his eyes filling with tears.

"Why?"

Confusion apparent on Suguro's face, he walked closer to Rin and sat down in front of him.

"There is no 'why'. I've been out of line this whole time. I've been calling you a demon. I've been hurting you."

"But why? Why would you apologize to someone like me? I – I don't deserve an apology. I killed my dad! Wh – why are you apologizing?" Rin rubbed his eyes with his knuckles, still slouching.

"Because I have to."

Rin looked up at Suguro as he continued to talk.

"You're hurt. You have no one looking out for you besides Yukio. He doesn't even know that you're hurt inside. You won't ask for help, because you think you can deal with it on your own. But you can't. _I_ made you cry. I've been calling you names ever since the camping trip. I didn't help at all. I'm sorry. I'm _sorry_."

"You don't have to apologize! I deserve it! I deserve every word you've thrown at me! I –" He broke off into sobs, tears pouring down his face as he curled into a ball, ashamed of crying in front of him again.

"Tch. You're such a softy, now. I guess that's another thing I caused, huh?" Suguro said softly. "Your dad, Shiro Fujimoto, was a great man. He took care of you, even though he knew who you were. It's not your fault he's dead. He was prepared to take his life to protect you."

He got up and offered a hand to Rin. "Come on. You can't sit here crying all day."

Nodding and raising up a shaky hand, the half demon stood up and regained his balance. "You're okay? With… with being friends with me?"

"I wouldn't want it any other way."

They walked down the stairs together, and on the second level, bumped into the rest of the exwires. Upon noticing his red eyes and happy smile, they pinned him down with hugs.

Rin smiled a genuine smile for the first time in two months, and the look on his face was of utter happiness and bliss.


End file.
